end and beginning

2014

note
Another essay for English class. I guess I was in my spirituality phase.

End and Beginning

I am in space. For some eyes an empty medium, for others, an infinite concentration of everything. All is connected. I can see photons racing past me; if I wished, I could easily leave them behind. I hear the nearest star’s buzz, I sense its core’s energies float in and out, I see its emotions. It’s happy. An asteroid, seemingly floating with no purpose, is living a life of a nomad. It was not its decision, in fact it was no one’s decision. Things simply coincide. However, I am a conscious phantom. I can go wherever I want, I can do whatever I desire. And there is no one to say no. A faintly flickering star among all others caught my attention. A slight aura of anxiety was radiating from it. The next fraction of a second I am hovering above its surface. It’s dying. The core is scarily and intensively consuming the star’s carcass. In the next two thousand years its mass will be compressed so firmly that it will cause an explosion. A burst of energy so powerful that all the near planets will disintegrate, transforming into something different. I decide to wait a moment, and let the years outflow my entity in their straight endless odyssey. The star gets smaller and smaller, until I can hold it in my hand. It came to the very beginning. To the way it was created. There is always an end in the beginning. Similarly there is always a beginning in the end. The orb stops spinning, and an inconceivable amount of energy disseminates across thousands of light years. I am millions of light years further away.

It hasn’t rained in two months in Kara village. Corn fields are arid. People crave for food. Children play in mud. A place abandoned by everyone, except the people themselves. In one of the houses there is a woman named Mirembe. She is about to give birth to a child she and her husband have been asking the odds for for ten years. Only minutes remain before the baby starts to arrive. Quanah, her husband, is squeezing her hand in his. They are looking into each other’s eyes. Their faces, reflected on their corneas, are smiling. The life they are living is going to be continued.

I feel heavier. The future is pulling me towards something I do not seem to know. Pieces of my consciousness are being torn apart in a very peculiar way. Memories seem stretched and lost. A deeper awareness of myself reaches my mind, and at the same time I fail to understand what I am. Cosmos is ostensibly flowing past me, dragging its giant inhabitants with it. I stumble upon planets, go through stars, pierce galaxies. I see rises of civilisations, I see life being born, death being fought against. I hear fantastic music being created; I watch great discoveries being made. There is always an end. Ruins of beliefs, ashes of once mighty religions, corpses of hundreds of generations. Suddenly, I stop moving. Before me there is a blue planet.

Her hand squeezes his. He leans closer to her face. The magic words fly from her mouth and cloud his mind with warmth. Another squeeze, now from his side. “Oh!,” Mirembe cries taking a better position. The elderly lady, who is performing the role of a nurse in the village, exclaims and with her tiny frail steps approaches the woman. The baby is coming.

What is happening to me? I don’t feel my body. I start falling down, just like every part of my essence is. I have not fallen before. I never knew this… sense of directions. The power to choose where the down and where the up are has always been in my possession. Now, I am deserted. Strong pulses gradually drag me down, faster and faster. Pull. Pull. Pull.

“Push! Push! Push!,” the nurse squeals. And Mirembe responds. A new life is being inserted in a tiny body of a newborn. Bit by bit, pulse after pulse, an existent, immortal, free life is being concealed in a weak body made of flesh. A body that can die. That will die.

I feel incomplete. Inexistent. I don’t belong in here. I am feeling small and insignificant. There is nothing eyes can observe, nothing my ears can hear! I am in a void. I am the void. I feel another pulse. Now it’s inside me, beating.

I can feel life in me.

I am life.